


to thine own self

by mnemememory



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: AAAAAAAAAAA, Gen, Spoilers for Episode 97, jesters plans are the best plans
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-05
Updated: 2020-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-01 00:07:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,044
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23026018
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mnemememory/pseuds/mnemememory
Summary: "You know, Lord Thane, you remind me of someone.”Essek smiles tightly. "Oh?""Caleb can tell you more. Hey, Caleb, come tell Lord Thane how smart Essek is.”(or; it would have been so fucking funny, you guys)
Relationships: Essek Thelyss & Caleb Widogast, The Mighty Nein & Essek Thelyss
Comments: 15
Kudos: 307





	to thine own self

...

...

**to thine own self**

...

...

“You know, Lord Thane, you remind me of someone.”

Essek smiles tightly, skin itching underneath the illusion. He has the absurd urge to pick at his sleeves. He hasn’t done that since he was a child, well over a hundred years ago.

“Oh?” he says. Be polite. Be _polite_. These people don’t react well to politeness. Maybe if he’s bland enough, they’ll lose interest and leave.

“Yes,” Jester says. Her smile is so wide. “A very good friend of ours. So brave. So loyal.”

Ah. “He sounds very nice.”

“Oh, he isn’t _nice_ ,” Jester says. “He’s smart though. Caleb can tell you more. Hey, Caleb, come tell Lord Thane how smart Essek is.”

_Ah_.

…

…

The first time, it’s because he doesn’t expect them so _close_.

Essek has become accustomed, over the years, to a certain amount of personal space. People are very rarely willing to risk offending him for a simple handshake where a nod will suffice. His hovering had been at first a way to cope with the constant aches and pains that plagued his bones during the damp hours of the darkness, but then it became something…more. Essek is above problems, removed from the ground, unbound by gravity.

People stare, until they don’t. Essek works to integrate himself, works to harden his edges into knives. Be useful. Be _invaluable_. There are so many things he wants to know.

The Mighty Nein are the worst thing to ever happen to him.

They come into his life with the force of a hurricane, blowing past old doors and unbalancing all of his carefully constructed ploys. Essek doesn’t like the word ‘traitor’, doesn’t like the way it sits strangely heavy in his stomach, but he likes it even less on the lips of these _morons_. He isn’t stupid enough to get caught by them of all people. He isn’t.

Jester hugs him. She is warm, and solid, and real in a way few things have ever been.

One after another, they infiltrate his thoughts with cancerous intent. _Friends_ , they say. It sounds like a lie. Essek has had many things during his life, but ‘friends’ are not one of them. Especially not these people and their furious drive to upend everything he has ever worked for.

He cannot trust them. Essek cannot trust them. Essek cannot trust anyone but himself.

“Friends,” Caleb says, and he’s smiling.

Fuck.

…

…

“This is Lord Desran Thane.”

Fuck, fuck, _fuck_.

…

…

“Ah, yes,” Caleb says. “My good friend Essek Thelyss. The most intelligent man I have had the pleasure of meeting for a long time. No offense, Fjord.”

“None taken,” Fjord says.

“I’m offended,” Caduceus says mildly.

Essek takes another desperate sip of his drink.

“My apologise, Caduceus,” Caleb says. “Oh, Lord Thane, you look like you are almost out of alcohol. Beau, would you –?”

Beau grins, all teeth. “Oh, sure, let me just grab that from you…” she snatches the glass out of Essek’s hand with lightning-fast reflexes, soundly dousing Essek’s vague hope of excusing himself under the pretence of getting another drink.

Curses.

“Thank you,” Essek says, polite. Essek is going to be polite if it kills him.

It probably will.

Jester has her arm hooked through his. Yasha is to his other side, boxing him in. Essek has tried no less than three different methods of escape in the past five minutes, none of which have worked. He’s making desperate eye-contact for literally anyone outside of this group humanoid battering-rams, but everyone is scrupulously avoiding them. Which probably has something to do with the way Yasha is glaring at everyone, and Caduceus is being so vibrantly pastel, and Nott is a goblin. People seem to have such strange prejudices here.

Usually it is little more than a nuisance. Nothing that a quick illusion couldn’t gloss over. At the moment, it is actively working against him, and he _hates it_.

Beau leaves. Jester continues to smile up at him. Essek tries edging away, but she only grips tighter along his forearm. By the time this ordeal is over, Essek is going to have bruises.

“What was I saying?” Caleb says.

“I don’t quite remember,” Essek says, eyes darting around. There has to be some means of escape.

Essek isn’t a bad liar. Essek is actually quite an accomplished liar. He doesn’t know what’s _wrong with him_.

Well. He does. That’s kind of the problem.

“Oh, yes,” Caleb says. Essek wants to simultaneously kick him in the shin and also throw up. He might just be capable of doing both. “We just saw him recently. I had quite an invigorating experience – he was most useful in discerning the contents of a spell I was having trouble with.”

Essek wants to say, _It was amazing, working alongside you. It was amazing watching magic weave together underneath our fingertips. You are a talented wizard, Caleb Widogast – and not just for a human. I have lived a very long time, though I am but a child in the eyes of my culture, and I have never met anyone quite like you_.

Lord Thane says, “Then I am pleased at my resemblance to your friend, if he has proved so useful.”

Essek wants to choke.

Caleb’s eyes are dark and cold as he stares into the illusion. “No,” he says. “I’m not quite sure what Jester is suggesting. You don’t remind me of him at all.”

…

…

Essek is born cold.

(one hundred years later, and the venom _burns_ ).

…

…

Essek is a good liar.

There have been people who have suggested otherwise, but Essek has always known his place in the world. He is…less than. Less than useful enough. Less than ambitious enough. Essek is born and nobody cares, so he promises himself the world.

He spends so much of his life staring at the Beacon.

It isn’t intentional at first. He sits and he loses himself, mind expanding a thousandfold into something deeper and darker than he could ever have conceived. The floor is ice and his bones ache and he can’t look away.

This is mystery. This is beauty.

This is worth losing his soul.

…

…

(sitting under Caleb’s heavy weight of judgement, under the thick disappointment of his… _friends_ –

It isn’t. it isn’t, it isn’t, it isn’t).

…

…

**Author's Note:**

> AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAa
> 
> so i just finished the last episode and holy SHIT essek bb why are you like this


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